"Let there be no brother who has sinned, no matter how seriously, who would look into your eyes seeking forgiveness, and go away without it. And should he not seek forgiveness, you should ask him if he wants it. And if after that he were to sin a thousand times, even before your eyes, love him more than me, for this is now you will draw him to the Lord; and always have mercy on such as these." --St. Francis, Letter to a Minister ("Minister" is a superior, a word that St. Francis does not use for those brothers in positions of authority.)I have always forgiven anyone who has asked for it. The problem is, people rarely ask because in most cases they do not know they need to be forgiven. St. Francis says that if the person does not ask for forgiveness we should ask them if they want it. I have rarely been fearless enough to do this, but I can see the wisdom in it. Sometimes an offense is a matter of a misunderstanding that the person could quickly rectify if they knew about it. Other times, you may find out more information that puts you in the wrong and the need to be the one asking for forgiveness. And in the case where the person has clearly wronged you but refuses to acknowledge such, you then gain this opportunity that St. Francis points to of drawing them to the Lord by your forgiving them anyway. What good does it do to forgive someone in secret if they do not even know they have sinned against you? Let them know their offense against you so they have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and set things straight (and from experience I can say it needs to be face-to-face, if possible, and if not, in a phone call--never in a letter or e-mail), then forgive them even if they don't feel they need it. In this way, your heart is freed from all the unkind thoughts that kept God's love from flowing through you to them. And in doing so you will be an example of how God draws us to Him.
